In Memory

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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Hello,

This is a new Blog of mine. Well, it’s more of an online memorial for one of the most inspiring and talented young woman I have ever had the honor of knowing. Dawn Marie was only 34 when she *passed*. Dawn is my step-mom. The term step-mom doesn’t sit well in my stomach when referring to Dawn. She was my friend, my inspiration, and everyone’s rock. Her strength and beauty left a lasting impression on the life of anyone blessed to enough to have met her. Or even just spent 5 short minutes involved in a conversation, knowing you would most likely never see her again. Dawn had the ability to come into your life and show you a brighter side to any hardship you may have been dealing with.

The day I met her for the first time she was only 23 and I was 12. She was so pretty and had the voice of an Angel. When my Dad married her, I was glad, but soon after I was sent to live with them and I didn’t like her at first. I had the whole *you’re not my Mommy* thing going on. She and I said and did a lot of things to really piss each other off, and there were many nights we went to bed mad at each other or in tears. We both wanted the same thing. A friendship with the other, and the respect we so desperately yearned for. It wasn’t long before we accomplished that goal. We became very close and could talk to each other about virtually anything. The one thing that has left the biggest scar is our singing.

Dawn loved to sing, just like me! She had a mesmerizing voice and even when she didn’t know all the words to the songs she sang, her misspoken vocals still sounded great. She and I used to turn on the radio or play a CD and just sing at the top of our lungs for hours on end. That is one of the things I miss most about Dawn. When she died, everyone got a chance to go through all of her belongings and take what they wanted. When they realized I got forgotten about, the family asked me what I wanted. The only thing I could even think of was her CD collection. I demanded first dibs. I picked through the CD’s and took the ones that meant the most to me. Now when I miss her, I put one of those cd’s in and sing along. I can almost hear her again. I can feel her standing with me telling me to sing from my gut.

When someone close to you dies, you need to remember the good times and the fun had. If you dwell on the pain and you do not allow yourself to progress through the grieving stages, you will forever hurt, and the wound will stay as fresh as it was the moment you found out about the death. As I am writing this, all the pain floods back to me. I feel my breath escape me and my words are lost. Remembering that day is one of the hardest things I ever do. I know I cannot forget about it and pretend it never happened. I know that every time I remember that day, the pain will be there, it will feel as fresh as it did on Friday; January 18, 2005. As time passes, the pain will weaken, the memory will not be as harsh. As for now, it is way too soon for that to happen. This page is my way of trying to deal with it. As Dawn would say *Build a bridge and get over it already*, I am not ready for that, nor do I think I ever will be. But I am trying to accomplish something similar.

I am building a Boardwalk of memories which hovers close to the ocean of pain I am feeling. As I take one step at a time, I look to the left and to the right. When I look, I see Dawn and a memory of her still fresh in my mind’s eye. I do not know how long this Boardwalk will be, and I may not get to the end of it. But I do know it is the closest thing to the bridge I have. Sure, a plank or 2 will give out and I will fall back into the ocean of pain below. But I will climb back out, slowly mend the brake, wipe my tears and take a few more baby steps. I hope you will all one day be able to begin construction of your own *Boardwalk*……

posted by ~M~ @ 1/04/2006 11:46:00 AM

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