In Memory

It's been almost a year now and the pain is still there. Time, that's all I have to go on for this. Over the past year of so I have seen and heard more than I needed to. My days have become easier to handle, but my scares are fresh and will take an immense amount of time to heal. I think of you often Dawn, and I know you can see it.

I know you are looking down on us all and watching over us. But this will take time. I had been doing fairly well for a while until a few weeks ago. Christmas. Your mom and lil bro came over to see me and the kids. It seems that they are the only 2 that seem to care enough to stay in contact with us. Us being My family. Josh and the kids.

Christopher is doing well. He looks good and seems to be handling it very well. I know we all have our days. The pain. The anger, it all eats away at our subconscious from time to time. Yet, I have seen a lot of you in me these days. And when it comes to lil Kearstin, I am trying to balance the you, dad, and me thing. Keeping her in check is a full time job these days.

We were in the car the other day...Me Josh and the kids, and got stuck at the red light at your apartment complex. I couldn't wait for that damn light to change. It seemed to take forever. So far that is the only thing that causes any kind of panic or emotional damage right now. I still get angry and I have still wanted to pick up the phone and call several time. But the reality sets in and then comes the temporary depression. But this too shall pass.

I know it will all take time and it is not expected to just go away. When I lost Sebastian, it took an immense amount of time. To this day I think of him. Yet, I have come to the realization, that dwelling on his death does no good. I have my babies and they will one day know of the Brother they almost had. But when I sit back and think about it all. They may not be here if it weren't' for him. SO in a sick twisted sort of way, I thank him. I pray for him and know he is in a better place. If I had given birth to him, I would not have been able to give him the life he deserved. He is in a better place.

I can honestly say I 100% am able to relate to what you went through. Why you felt that what you did was (at that time) necessary. But we all miss you deeply. We all wish you would have given it a little more time and taken yourself from the situation rather than your life.

I don't know if you ever realized how much you meant to me. When NaNa died, I cried, but I saw it coming. With you, I balled for weeks. And even now I still have teary days over you. But I know where you are and I know you are happier now. What you were unable to deal with is now a thing of the past and we are all bringing ourselves to terms with that fact.

I love you and always will. You were/are my mom. Yes, I have a mother, but she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most, you were. And for that I am forever Thankful to God that you were in my life and loved me and my family.

This is a learning journey for us all, and for that I guess we must (in a sick twisted sort of way) thank you for that. I love you dearly and you are forever in my prayers. I know you were at my wedding and I know you are with us all everyday. Take care where're you are right now.